Tips for Parenting Teens

Guidelines for Raising a Teen

One day you are parenting your delightful little child, thoroughly enjoying quality time together at a local park – and the next day you go to wake that delightful little child up, only to find that that once delightful little child is now a cranky, temperamental teen!

So, what is a parent to do? Does anyone out there have any tips for parenting teens?

I wondered that myself on the day that this happened to me and my older daughter. Rather than panicking though, I took a deep breath and composed myself…then I hid in my room for a few days!

Eventually, though, I had to face the truth – my little girl was not just a teenager by age, but a teenager by “mentality.” I did by best to embrace it – and, thankfully, things have gone rather well, despite a few minor hic-ups.

Anyway, after six years of raising two teen girls, here are my personal tips for parenting teens:

Establish a rapport with your teen. This doesn’t mean that you need to be “buddy-buddy” with your teen – but at least open the lines of communication and try to speak with him or her in a respectful, age-appropriate manner. Establish a “connection” by showing an interest in your teen’s daily experiences, feelings, and views. Educate yourself with current teen trends and teen slang. Meet your teen where he or she is at. Show concern. These are simple things that you can do and that your teen will appreciate.

Set firm limits but allow for flexibility when your teen demonstrates mature, responsible, or trustworthy behavior. Mature, responsible teens do not need the same level of supervision or limit-setting as their counterparts, who may not be as mature or responsible. Be fair with regards to the limits you set – teens are very quick to point out when things are “NOT” fair – consider their points and adjust accordingly, if necessary.

Be empathetic and understanding. To do otherwise is to close the proverbial door to any and all communication with your teen. An empathetic and understanding parent is what every teen needs and deserves.

Avoid putting too much on your teen’s plate. Don’t over-schedule him or her or place too many unnecessary demands. Teens need plenty of “down-time” to recharge, to decompress, and to reduce the stress that almost every teen lives with each day. Grant them this.

Allow your teen to sleep in as late as he or she wants – as long as it doesn’t interfere with necessary plans or obligations. Plain and simple – teens need their sleep!

Speak to your teen as you would to another adult. Nobody likes to be spoken down to – or talked to as though they are a child – especially teens.

Be assertive but respectful when speaking to your teen – even if the respect isn’t always returned. Teens like to argue – that’s what they do. Avoid escalating the matter and don’t resort to the authoritarian style of parenting – this will likely backfire.

Be fun. Use humor. This is a great way to connect with your teen.

Plan some 1:1 time doing something you both enjoy. Use this time to ask open ended questions without being too “intrusive.” This is a great way to truly get to know your teen.

Respect your teen’s privacy unless you have a legitimate reason not to. Knock before you go into their room, avoid going through their belongings without their permission, let them be alone in their room if that’s what they want, etc.

Be aware of red flags. This means keeping an eye out for signs of depression, substance use, mental health issues, anger/aggression, anxiety, bullying (or being bullied), etc. If you suspect that any of these serious issues are at play in your teen’s life, then it is imperative that you take action before the issue escalates and becomes even more serious. Solicit help from a professional, if necessary.

Encourage your teen to play a sport, join a club, get a job, volunteer, or participate in some other sort of activity. Teens that are involved in positive activities have less time to participate in not-so-positive activities. This is also a great way to build self-esteem and to develop pro-social skills.

Encourage your teen to live a healthy lifestyle. This includes maintaining - not only a healthy body - but a healthy mind. Being healthy means eating healthy foods while keeping “junk food” to a minimum. It means getting plenty of exercise then balancing that with plenty of rest/sleep. It means staying away from mind-altering substances such as alcohol, tobacco, drugs, etc. It means engaging in activities that promote a healthy mind – such as reading, learning, hanging out with positive influences, meditating, playing strategic games, etc. It means doing things in moderation. It means seeing a doctor regularly – especially when sick. It also means so much more. What other ways can you think of to stay healthy?

Be the house that teens like to “hang out” at. When they are hanging out at your house – you know they are safe and that they are (hopefully) staying out of trouble. That goes a long way! You could even step it up a notch and order pizza for them...or bake some cookies for them!

Find subtle (or not so subtle) ways to let your teen know every day that you love him or her. Maybe you could establish a routine of turning his or her light off every night at bedtime and saying a quick “I love you.” Or maybe you tell others what a great kid you have – in front of your kid. Teens need to know that they are loved – don’t ignore or neglect this need of theirs.

Set a good example. Be a good role-model. You may not realize it, but your teen pays more attention to what you DO than what you SAY…and he or she will be quick to point out when your actions don’t match up with your words. Treat others well and your teen will learn to do the same.

Have dinner together. Dinnertime is the best time to check-in and to see how things are going with school, friendships, daily activities, relationships, and life in general. Take advantage of this opportunity.

Use everyday opportunities to teach your teen valuable life skills. When the battery in your car goes dead, show your teen how to use jumper cables. Explain how a mortgage works and how to establish credit (and stay out of debt). Teach your teen how to change the furnace filter or how to plunge a toilet. You get the idea. These are important skills that will benefit them as they grow into responsible adults.

Get used to the eye-rolling, the shoulder-shrugging, and the constant isolating in their room. It happens. This is what teens do. Take it in stride without taking it personally.

And finally, appreciate your teen!