Child Tantrums: What Motivates Them?

The Art of the Child Tantrum

We all know that tantrums are an integral part of being a parent…but when our children have them, it’s a whole different ballgame!

“Weathering the storm of a high-octane tantrum” is likely high on most parents’ list of “things that should be avoided at all costs.”  Unfortunately, a well-executed tantrum isn’t always easy to avoid.

At only three-years-old, my daughter was highly skilled when it came to tantrum-throwing - especially when things didn’t go her way.  In fact, there were times when I expected a green “oatmeal-like” substance to spew from her mouth and for her head to spin around in circles while uttering random expletives (much like what happened with the possessed girl in “The Exorcist”).  Of course, my daughter’s tantrums never escalated to that point…but the fear that they could have was nonetheless very frightening to me!

Fortunately, my daughter’s tantrum-throwing days are behind her and it’s fair to say that she’s actually turned out quite well, thank you! 

But what about all of those parents out there that are still dealing with tantrums from their little ones?  Is there anything that I have to offer that might shed a little light on the tantrum problem they might currently be facing?

I’m not sure, but I’ll try.

Here’s what I’ve noticed: When it comes to tantrums, children seem to be motivated by one of three things:

1.     The desire to manipulate

2.     The desire to seek revenge

3.     The need to release pent-up emotions

Manipulation

There are a few ways that a child can manipulate parents by using a tantrum.  Some children choose this tactic (the tantrum) in an effort to “wear down” their parent in the hopes that the parent will then “give-in” to the child’s demands or wishes.  Some children also employ a well-timed tantrum to in an effort to seek attention.  In either case, the motivation of the child is to exert control.

Revenge-Seeking

A child that tantrums for the purpose of “revenge-seeking” is doing so in order to “get even” with a parent who he/she perceives as being unfair.  This type of tantrum is also done for the purpose of exerting control over the parent

Releasing of Pent-Up Emotions

Sometimes a child simply becomes “emotionally overwhelmed” and it is this “overwhelmed feeling” that leads to the child’s outburst.  This type of tantrum is often seen in children that lack effective coping-skills or in those that have a low threshold when it comes to dealing with difficult emotions.  The motivation behind one of these tantrums is simply to release all of the pent-up feeling and to feel better afterward.

Now that we know three possible motivations behind child tantrums, what it the best approach for dealing with each of them?

Simply put,

If manipulation is the goal then it is incredibly important for parents to avoid giving-in to the child’s tantrum.  It is best to “weather the storm” and to dish out mild consequences afterwards.  Giving-in to the tantrum will only assure that another one happens again next time the child wants something (or wants to avoid something).

If revenge-seeking is the goal then it is best to deal with the tantrum by ignoring it (unless the child becomes destructive or if he/she becomes a danger to him/herself or others).  As difficult as it might be, parents should avoid over-reacting to the child and should conduct themselves with as little “emotion” as possible.  Repair work should be required after such a tantrum…this could include an apology letter, paying for anything that was destroyed or damaged, or possibly even having the child to an extra chore to make up for his or her behavior.  “Time away from others” might be a good consequence as well.

If a release of pent-up emotions is behind the tantrum, then it might help for parents to teach their child some useful coping-skills.  This could include relaxation techniques, self-soothing behaviors, self-talk (especially for school-aged children), or even a “thought-stopping” exercise.  Sometimes all it takes is to teach a child to “stop, take a deep breath, count to 10, and then to think of a good choice.”

If you are one of the many frazzled parents out there trying to cope with recurring tantrums from your little bundle of joy – then I hope this article at least provided a little bit of insight.  Hang in there, it gets easier!